(Don’t) Look me in the Eye: The Challenge of Eye Contact

Guest post by Navya Adhikarla, graduate student in the Master of Engineering Management program at Duke University

(Don’t) Look me in the Eye: The Challenge of Eye Contact 

“Look me in the eye and tell me you are not lying,” is a familiar line from many Western movies. I bet you can think of at least a handful of gripping scenes where this line is used. 

This, movies, is how I learned that eye contact means “I am honest”. In the West, eye contact is  a tacit signal of trustworthiness. 

But I am a woman from Andhra Pradesh, an Indian state of nearly 50 million people. I am also a  passionate individual/leader with neurodivergence. Both my eastern culture and my neurology  make consciously creating and maintaining eye contact painful. 

Culturally, where I grew up, I witnessed brief and infrequent eye contact, if any at all. It is a sign  of respect and modesty in most traditional settings. My Chinese friends tell me I’m not alone.  Many say that they are taught to look a leader in the eye is often seen as disrespectful in their  culture. Culturally, in the West, they and I adapt as best possible.  

However, neurologically, eye contact can be overwhelming. Direct eye contact makes me feel I  am listening to loud music while I am trying to speak. Or worse, it can make me forget what I  wanted to say in meetings or in casual but crucial 1:1s with team leaders. 

Disclosure of my neurodivergence, or my cultural challenge with maintaining eye contact, is  recommended to make life easier. However, this disclosure requires trust that is often not yet  built. And yet, in the back of my mind I have a fact: the person I’m speaking with may demand  eye contact as a marker of my trustworthiness.  

When I first came to the US in 2022, I did not affirm I was neurodivergent. Over the last year, I  have been on a hard, yet rewarding, journey to understand my gifts and challenges. At first, I  was scared, and I did not disclose my neurodivergence to teammates. I changed my mind when  I realized that I kept getting feedback from most of my teams about not maintaining eye  contact. That kind of feedback was irrelevant, unapplicable, and unproductive to me. I finally  decided I was better off sharing my needs than hiding them. I have found that some people  disappoint and bully, but I have also found many to accommodate my needs. There are also  colleagues who view my disclosure as a way of me building trust with them.  

If you are like me, I offer these three ways to address a tacit request for direct eye contact  when eye contact is problematic: 

1) Use other non-verbal cues in place of eye contact, including nodding one’s head, smiling, or  using hand gestures and facial expressions appropriate to the setting. 

2) Ask clarifying questions that demonstrate active listening. For instance, paraphrase, share  appropriate empathetic and reflective statements, and summarize. Additional things one  can do are request follow-ups or send a note after the conversation.

3) If you can, set expectations when you first enter the team. Yes, you risk exposing your  neurodivergence to people who may react poorly. However, no one is a mind reader. Set  up alternative signals of trust and clarify your style of communication when you first enter  a team. This will open up the team to effective communication, and possibly also to  building trust. 

Given that trust-building is an ongoing process, having open conversations about  expectations helps promote understanding and aids in navigating the conflict between  assumption and intention. 

Above all, be kind to yourself for where you are in your journey of self-disclosure. It takes a  special bravery to work in a culture that needs our gifts but has trouble with our challenges. I  found that bravery after much soul-searching. I wish that courage for you.